On toxic masculinity in gay dating and the “straight-acting” man

This is exclusively an opinion/think piece.

Sources: my own experiences, observations, conversations with friends, other gay men, women, rumination, and deep inner knowing.

There’s something about men who’ve dated or had sex with women… whether it was before coming out, or they’re bi, or whatever… it’s like they’re better manipulators. 

I'd argue most women put up with less toxic behavior nowadays. Men are also societally expected and conditioned to treat a woman’s emotions with more regard than they do another man’s. This is not true for every man, because the dynamics portrayed within everyone’s familial and societal structures are different depending on lifestyle, background, and the like, but there are always sort of overarching portrayals of ideal straight relationships we experience when we are growing up, whether it be in media, religion, etc. Men are seen being affectionate and having genuine emotional connections and conversations with women, building relationships, working through issues. All gay men are affected by these portrayals, regardless of our individual journeys towards acceptance of ourselves and others.

Gay relationships are non-traditional from a societal lens, even if some conventions are adhered to. They are not portrayed left-and-right growing up. I think gay men are prone to have lower standards due to the already unconventional nature of man-on-man relationships and the decades of having to hide. Honest, out-in-the-open commitment just never felt like it was on the table, or it was extremely intimidating, and that has bled into modern culture despite more widespread acceptance. So, a lot of gay men will take what they can get. The expectations are less clear when they first start connecting, having sex with, and dating other men. They may not want to sell themselves short or even believe that they are, but they haven’t seen healthy, lasting gay relationships modeled for them throughout their childhood. There is less talk surrounding self-worth and standards in gay dating, even today. There is an over-sexualization of the unit itself—the union between a man and another man. These things have, in turn, enabled poor behavior within the sphere of gay dating. There are no societal guidelines on how a man should treat another man in a romantic sense. No clearly defined expectations or direction. We can strip it down to all being humans, sure, but that ignores heteronormativity; we can act like it’s the same dynamic as a man and a woman, just two men instead, and therefore we can expect the same things… but is it ever really like that? A lot of times gay men are not entering relationships with the idea and hope of a lasting connection the way straight men and women have done throughout history. Thoughts of marriage or building a family, or even just a long-term relationship, or hell, even just monogamous commitment, are far, far behind the primal longing for sexual expression. Sex addiction seems normal. We do it to ourselves and society participates, furthering the stereotype. The focus always seems to be on self-discovery, exploration, and sex, which is often positive and necessary—but what about love or commitment? Do we view the former as at odds with the latter? Are those far-off things that gay men are satisfied waiting until they’re middle-aged for? Are even the committed relationships we see more sexual than romantic—friends with benefits under the label of boyfriend, partner, husband?

Every gay man has experienced sexual repression due to the fact that we live in a heteronormative society. Coming out is a daunting, scary thing, and some men never do and never will. This has a lasting psychological impact—many times the lust is amplified because it was not developed or expressed during adolescence, so no one person will ever be enough, at least not without therapy, a long, serious, painful look in the mirror, and a willingness to be vulnerable with themselves. Most of our lives are based on our outward experiences, so self-reflection isn’t prioritized period, especially not among men at large. Then there’s the idea that vulnerability is weak! Another layer of chain. Many gay men grow up under the shadow of their father or overbearing male figures in their lives that instill the belief that emotions are something to be masked or suppressed. Even if they discard that narrative later, what we experience during our formative years will always have an impact on us in some way, no matter how small. I believe this next sentiment is universal: it is extremely difficult and takes a strong, developed sense of self-awareness to break free from the beliefs about ourselves and others that are imprinted on us when we are young, especially for those who are naturally more porous and sensitive. 

This includes the expectations placed upon us. Gay or bi men typically have more experience with manipulation when it comes to their image, reputation, and relationships due to sexuality. In many communities, being attracted to men is viewed as shameful, vile, and weak. No matter how transparent the attempts, gay boys often have to consistently convince themselves and others that they are not gay. While solely for protection and as a coping mechanism to avoid judgment or abuse, and therefore not to be villainized, this is still an early form of manipulation. This, in combination with extreme familial, cultural, and/or religious pressure to be a “strong, masculine provider” makes for one hell of a combination. When a boy feels a constant need to prove to family, peers, friends, and whoever surrounds him that he is developing into the idealized masculine image that is expected of him, it can become so potent that he feels it necessary to completely reject his emotional self and femininity assuming it. This is, of course, a gradual and coerced descent into a state of denial. These boys have potential to grow into men who reject emotional depth and expression so passionately that it breeds a heavy, violent hatred inside of themselves, and they view not only vulnerability as a weakness, but also femininity, as the two are joint. This experience is not exclusive to gay or bi men (misogyny is so much more complex, and definitely not something I'm trying to brush over, rationalize, or give a perspective on) but I believe the denial and self-erasure it instigates has a deeper impact on men who are attracted to men, because they go on to demonize vulnerability, femininity, and their sexuality. I believe the development of this lifestyle and outlook is not fully conscious either, and men with these life experiences and internal struggles often not only deny their femininity and vulnerability, but also their rejection of it. The manipulation of self and extreme emphasis on others’ perceptions becomes so normalized that they find themselves with entire lives built on fear and lies, and they do not recognize them being as such. Gay men may not even recognize themselves when reality is a carefully crafted façade. This naturally impacts dating and hookup culture. Rather than deep healing and self-awareness, we see something learned, less painful, less enlightened when interacting with and dating them: assumption of a front. Manipulation over connection.

In conjunction with this concept and tying back to my initial statement, I’m convinced gay or bi men who have been in romantic or sexual relationships with women are likely to have an even more developed version of this front. Whether fully intentional or not, they approach connections under pretense of being more emotionally available, accommodating, and spiritual than they really are. There are many reasons for this. Worst case, it serves as a pathetic means to an end. Looking deeper and considering these men are closeted or uncomfortable with their sexuality, perhaps it is borne of a perceived obligation to fabricate a persona with women in order to prolong relationships and avoid being outed. Perhaps it is done in the name of being seen as a “gentleman” to best align with traditional expectations of how a man “should” treat a woman and soothe deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it’s the learned behavior of constantly proving themselves to others. Whatever the case may be, these fear-based motivations, among others, extend into gay dating and see themselves embodied in love bombing, excessive complimenting, early talk of commitment, and self-proclamations of honesty and good-heartedness, for example, executed in such ways that do not undermine masculinity and with intent to gain "the upper hand." Within the many men who behave this way lies a consequential contradiction. Rather than fully masking it, an appealing glow of tenderness merely glosses over a more abrasive, dysfunctional personality structure: hypermasculinity. 

I believe this is a very unfortunate but common phenomenon of varying degree, on a spectrum ranging from men who claim to be “fully accepting” of their attraction to men and of their “true” selves, remaining ultimately resistant to self-reflection and lacking the awareness to realize they are living in denial of themselves and their maladaptive behavior, all the way to those who have become stone caricatures of traditional masculinity.

For the purpose of my writing, I’ll refer to a man with this type of resistance and denial (leaning towards the extreme, stone caricature end of the spectrum) as an archetype, though he has many faces. When, or if, this man begins to accept and explore his sexuality, comes out of his own accord or is outed, and engages in connections and relationships with other men, it will certainly be a rough transition. He is all too familiar with self-destruction; he believes that what he and others have done to destroy him is actually what has built him, whether wholly or partially. There may be an enhanced sense of pride surrounding his masculinity, as he feels like he has had to “earn” it more than others, and is therefore entitled to his desires. He may or may not take initiative in his encounters; maybe he doesn’t feel like he has to, as many gay men view this ultra-masculine personality as attractive and will be the ones to approach him. However, the most crucial element of this man’s behavior in connections and relationships is that his fear of rejection manifests in anger and rage, from petty insolence to extremes such as abuse or assault. When he perceives himself as being faced with rejection in some capacity, he is prone to lashing out, as he views it as an attack on his machismo, from which his self-worth and sense of identity are derived. In his mind, a "real man" does not accept no for an answer. There is an element of irony to this, similar to the antiphrasis of “fragile masculinity.” His hypermasculinity, when threatened, becomes a weapon—and since he’s involving himself with other men, this man isn’t afraid of, does not care, or simply does not see issue with how his actions resulting from a distorted sense of his own masculinity are destructive. Again, this type of behavior is not exclusive to men who are gay or bi, or experienced only by other gay men, but I am choosing to examine it within the context of sexuality.

This next statement really drives my point: he feels less accountable for his behavior than he would with a woman. His shame lies in the premise of being with another man, not in how he treats him, and that stifled shame overwhelms any sense of responsibility for his actions. The tendency for there to be a lack of clear expectations, boundaries, or guidelines within gay engagements stemming from homophobia on a societal scale, lack of representation of and conversation around gay relationships, as well as a general ignorance—as previously noted—also comes into play here and reinforces his exoneration of accountability. Much of this is subconscious. He may still wear the front described earlier in his initial interactions, pretending to be in tune with his emotions, love bombing—but his fears will inevitably be activated and lead to behavior where the manipulative tendencies he views as affectionate and harmless are transmuted into emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual violence.

So, gay men who are more self-aware and comfortable with their identities—who befriend, hook up with, or date this man—now not only confront shame externally and in other areas of their life, but also the sharp blade of this man’s internalized homophobia, misogyny, and cutting emotional immaturity as it arises in dealings with other gay men, whether casual or romantic connections the more secure approach with a desire for intimacy and understanding.

Worth noting is the lack of individuality and sense of powerlessness likely to be buried underneath this man's inflated exterior. Instead of rejecting the expectations placed upon him and shifting into a more honest existence after adolescence, a man characterized by these traits and behaviors is hollowed by the rebellion he believes lies in adopting the masculinity expected of him and putting it on steroids. It is less of an overcompensation to him than it is some sort of reclamation of personal power. Again—this is a stubborn, stunted method of coping and identity formation characterized by avoidance and denial. This man has taken shadows cast on him and made them into even bigger shadows, ones of a beast, to dwarf and silence the scared little boy. This is why vulnerability cannot happen—there exists speck-of-dust child and a thin but convincing layer of big, strong man with no cushion or development in between. It is all or nothing. He cannot be broken. The lack of control or pressure to constantly maintain it, carried from youth into adulthood, has led to an obsession. He must feel in control at all times, at the very least in his relationships. The inflation of his persona and eradication of his fears requires a constant supply of validation and power over others. Validation he may gather from virtual interactions… but what about power? How can leverage be gained?

The answer has become a tried and true strategy. Don’t just hook up, don’t just date. Feign intimacy. If he can make someone comfortable enough to be vulnerable with him, there is no requirement to reciprocate—he has already won. An unbalanced power dynamic has been created in place of genuine bonding, and the other person may even be aware and accepting of it in the hopes the scales will even out in time, that reciprocity is not always immediate. This one-sidedness has become his definition of connection, maybe not even just in a romantic sense, but platonic as well. He may rely on friendships formed solely on proximity and common interest, with no emotional component. External charm or charisma may aid him in gathering many acquaintances that remain just that—acquaintances. He is unable to see the emptiness and lack of depth in his social and “love” life for what it is. This could also be traced back to childhood, to him feeling largely unseen and unheard as a result of others’ projection of expectations onto him, having learned that opening up results in judgment, rejection, and a loss of control. If he is self-aware enough to be cognizant of this root cause, vulnerability is labeled an impossible risk. Regardless, this man initially welcomes it from romantic interests and may do his best to coax it out of them. He is an opportunist, seeking out hopeful optimists who are likely to fit his relational outline and give him the feeling of power and control—the ego boost he expects—though he would never admit this to himself or others. Afflicted by his own tunnel vision on the high and reinforcement of masculinity they provide, a steady cycle of interactions with this uneven dynamic keeps his façade thriving.

No one can truly challenge or touch an empty man covered in stone and shadow—it is a fantasy to believe otherwise. The danger and humiliation of being subject to his fear and rage often overwhelm the potential benefits of displaying empathy towards and trying to “fix” him, break through his complex, or hold him accountable. This is a sad outlook, but a necessary one for self-preservation. 

Attraction to and connection with a feminine man exacerbates this man’s shame and exaltation of power even more. His search for hopeful optimists often coincides with this type (I’m making a generalization here), creating even more of a draw. They are perhaps the most threatening of all men, because they are representative of a part of himself he detests and refuses to acknowledge exists (but this hatred and resistance is so ingrained that, again, he may outwardly deny it—and that’s where the pretense of self-acceptance, emotional depth, and spirituality tie back in, the other end of the spectrum). Effeminate men inherently challenge the status quo just by presentation and personality. In Western civilization and patriarchal society, a woman is expected to display feminine qualities; a man is not. Thus, they become a perfect target for conquer, restraint, and erasure in his mind. When he engages with this type, a skin of confidence and overbearingness that may at first be seen as purely sexual fantasy, protective, or endearing peels away into sheer objectification, coercion, and control.

As someone who identifies as more feminine than masculine, one of the more secure and self-aware, at least in terms of identity, expression, and vulnerability—are we just “choosing the wrong ones?” I’m quite certain that experiencing this man is not entirely unique, nor is his behavior, especially for those who prefer a more “traditional” relationship dynamic with a masculine counterpart. If I’m running into this man, someone else must be too. It may be easy to write him off as a bad decision on our part and blame ourselves. But I refuse to further invalidate my experiences and believe this is solely a character I craft. If I absolutely had to, he is extremely well-studied. Maybe his issues and behaviors are more universal than archetypical, but I did try to stress that this man has many faces and lives on a spectrum, and that I’m dissecting him through the lens of sexuality. I’m sure some women would roll their eyes if they read this, like, “imagine how it is for us!” I get it. And I acknowledge that there are parts of it I never will. It is my blog, I guess. Take it or leave it. 

There’s not much conversation around toxic masculinity, abuse, and accountability in gay dating and among gay men, at least not coming from or between those who look and act similar to me. We can’t all loathe or view each other as competition, so I hope to spark discourse, deeper thought, understanding. I hope that if you’ve had experiences with men who behave this way, whoever you are—you continue to release shame and forgive yourself for believing you are to blame if that’s something you’ve struggled to do. And hopefully, those of us who desire genuine, healthy love can experience it soon. 

Anyways, I seriously need to get the ball rolling on my music, because that’s where my heart is. Trust… there’s more nuanced and exciting art in the works.

Jamison